Claim the Fail

“Will you rise through the ranks with hard work and dedication or sabotage and subterfuge?”

Or will you just beg online for the money to buy the ranks?

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If Jessie Miller is to be believed, it would take $45,000 to make Claim the Chair, a game to make Skyrim seem like.. a game that isn’t boring. What I’m trying to say is that this game looks really boring. To the point where I still don’t even know what genre it is. It does seem, however, that spreadsheets are the same both in space and in the future.

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Taien Failure by Brian (or: Say “Nein” to Taien)

According to TripAdvisor, there are 13 things to do in Lawton, OK. They include some museums, a casino, and a water park. But when the Historic Mattie Beal Home makes your town’s top 5 attractions, there probably isn’t much going on. So maybe you play a lot of video games. Maybe you start making them – even better.

But with all of that time you have on your hands from not going to the Mattie Beal Home, you’d think you could put together more content for a Kickstarter project.

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Brian of Taien Tower by Brian doesn’t have that kind of time. But we’ll get to that later. For now, just enjoy the fact that Brian couldn’t even be bothered to make an image where the title text doesn’t get cut off.

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The Game That Got Backed Didn’t Get Backed

I’ve seen some hilarious and ironic names for Kickstarter projects, a recent favorite being the Don’t Fund Me Bro shirts – but none as sadly ironic as The Game That Got Backed.

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It couldn’t possibly be a better example of what not to do. Let me take you through the video.

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Drew’s Drawn Dream Draws Dough Drought

Despite what some creators may think, I don’t enjoy writing about the same person twice – with the possible exception of You Know Who. It furthers the perception that I have some kind of vendetta against these people. I don’t sit here hoping that you guys do something I can rant about. I don’t follow your tweeters. I just notice you doing something stupid, and feel compelled to call you out on it.

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And so it’s with no small amount of reluctance that I present you to Dust Scratch Games’ failure sequel Drew and the Floating Labyrinth. Take a ride with me through yet another pretentious art video.

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LazyFerret Studio Insults Ferrets and Studios Everywhere

It’s all too often that some dumbass kid has a grandiose idea for a video game, and comes to Kickstarter acting like most of the hard work – coming up with the idea – is already done, and money will do the rest. I write these posts partly to present the reality of the situation, whether to the creator or anyone else even thinking of doing a similar project. And hey, they’re a bunch of naive kids, so they don’t know any better.

So when I see a fucking full grown ass adult coming to Kickstarter with even less preparation than any dumbass kid, I have to reflect on just how fucked humanity is with these people around. For anyone who thinks I’m too harsh on the little brats, I want you to look closely at this asshole, and realize that this is the kind of shit I’m trying to prevent in the future.

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Enter LazyFerret Studio, a 35 year-old man who knows some programming languages, has a really vague idea of the game he wants to make, and only wants $50,000 to get some art into it.

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Why Kickstarter Sucks for Videogames (And Why It’s Never Going To Get Better)

This is an old post, evidenced by the links to older articles in it, but I kept putting off posting it for some reason. Therefore, it is not the “next post” I teased in the last post. But I after reading it, having sat in queue for so long, it seems worth posting, if only to get it out of my system. So here is yet another rant, harping on no particular project.

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Yogfail Failventures! (or Brace Yourselves; Winterkewl is Coming)

First of all, I’d like to thank the press boom following the announcement of the finale to the protracted failure that was Yogventures for getting this blog some extra views. And for the chuckle that it was being found under the search term “yogscast game fail”. That’s all I’ve ever wanted: for someone to Google a failure, and have it lead them here.

Wait.

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Four Kickstarters Later, Skyrim is Still Boring

If there’s one hipster complaint about Skyrim that I agree with, it’s that conventional wisdom in RPGs today made it nothing more than a single-player MMO. Talk to NPC, follow quest marker, kill thing, rinse, repeat. You can get through the entire game without listening to a word that anyone has to say. So you’re not really “roleplaying” as much as you are checking off a “to-do” list. The Elder Scrolls series has widened its audience by appealing to the lowest common denominator of gamers, leading you by the nose so that you don’t have to ever think. But, believe it or not, some people actually like to think.

That’s why TeamGrump – which is actually one person (so much for there being no “I” in “team”) – has proposed the Skyrim Quest Overhaul. And all it will cost you is $10,000. Why so much for a mod? Let’s find out.

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Eco Spirits: Gotta Fail Em All

There’s something really familiar about Eco Spirits, but I just can’t put my finger on it. Its would-be developers haven’t made a kickstarter before, but I feel as though I’ve already played their game. Let’s take a look through their pitch, and you can leave a comment if you figure out the game I’m trying to think of.

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Laika Believes (In A Thing Called Fail)

Video games are made about everything these days. Sure, there’s your run of the mill Carl on Duty: Black Cops and your World of Zombies Online Shooter McGavin, but the real innovation, of course, lies in the indie game scene. Where else could you find a game about.. oh, I don’t know, a bunch of Russians murdering a dog?

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You can find it at Minicore Studios, the shitlords behind the widely-ignored Laika Believes: The Sun at Night.

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