According to TripAdvisor, there are 13 things to do in Lawton, OK. They include some museums, a casino, and a water park. But when the Historic Mattie Beal Home makes your town’s top 5 attractions, there probably isn’t much going on. So maybe you play a lot of video games. Maybe you start making them – even better.
But with all of that time you have on your hands from not going to the Mattie Beal Home, you’d think you could put together more content for a Kickstarter project.
Brian of Taien Tower by Brian doesn’t have that kind of time. But we’ll get to that later. For now, just enjoy the fact that Brian couldn’t even be bothered to make an image where the title text doesn’t get cut off.
There’s no video, because once again, that requires effort – something else of which Brian doesn’t seem to have much to spare. So here’s some text.
“Want to test how good you are? Taien Tower has 20 floors each with a unique boss that will make you think before you act!”
What we know so far: Taien Tower is a video game. It has 20 floors, and you (presumably) fight a boss on each one. That’s it. To be fair, we’ve only read two sentences. I just want you to keep in mind how little we know as we’re reading along. So let’s continue.
“I want to become a game designer and creating this game will be a big step in the door. The money will be used to buy a game engine and some help to complete the game, especially music.”
Apparently, before you’re allowed to join the game designer club, you have to buy an engine and a composer. It’s a good thing I joined the “competent fucking human being game developer” club instead, because all I had to do was download Unity and I could design whatever the fuck I wanted. But it still requires effort on my part, so we’re still outside of Brian’s wheelhouse.
“The game: Taien Tower will consist of 20 unique bosses. There are enemies to fight and train against. There will also be 4 areas.”
So we got another piece of information, but it raises more questions than it answers. What is the difference between floors and areas, and how are they related? What exactly does “train” mean – is there a leveling system? And for fuck’s sake, what genre of game is it?! Am I shooting at these enemies, or swinging a sword at them? Or am I firmly berating them until they agree to stop being so damned evil? I assume they’re at least evil, and I’m not killing innocent creatures here.
“The Coliseum is a training area and destination of first boss. It is in a separate area, so it is run down.”
I love the insinuation that it’s obviously run down, because it’s a separate area. What the fuck is it even separate from?! Is it separate from the 20 floors or the 4 areas? Wouldn’t that mean there are technically 5 areas? What is an area even oh my god?
“Creator: Brian Tallent. I will create the majority of it and program.”
That’s pretty ambitious for someone who isn’t even a game designer yet. That last name must be getting to your head. I know that your mother told you that you can do whatever you put your mind to, but she did raise you in Oklahoma, so let’s take her opinion with a grain of salt.
“If you wish to contact me e-mail is email@example.com”
First Day on the Internet Kid over here doesn’t seem to realize that people can just comment or message him on Kickstarter, and there’s no reason to provide your email address, other than attracting trolls – that is, if anyone gave enough of a shit.
“note: I do not have a cellphone.”
WHY WOULD I CALL YOU? I don’t know what things are like in Buttfuck, Oklahoma outside of the Mattie Beal Home, but I assume your backwoods shitshack has had internet access for long enough to know that you don’t post your fucking phone number for the entire world to see.
“I also am a college student so sometimes I will have limited time.”
Well fuck, way to sell yourself on the dedication and commitment you have here. Yeah, give me $10,000 to make a video game, but don’t expect me to work a whole lot. That’s probably an entire year of living expenses in redneckville. If you’re too busy skipping class to go cow tipping, you don’t deserve $10,000 for a game engine and composer.
Brian Brian from Lawton, OK wants to create games in the future.. not now, but later, when he can get around to it.
“co-creator: James Spangle. I will be helping create some of the content. I have a family and a job, so my help is limited.”
Can someone please tell me who is going to do all of the fucking work on this project? At least having a family and a job is a better excuse for being short on time than being a fucking college student, but still. Making a video game requires a lot of work, and all I’m seeing here are excuses from the only two people on the project that they don’t have much time.
And how about those risks and challenges?
“Creating the 20 unique bosses and figure out how they can be a challenge. Learning the coding necessary to make the A.I. of bosses advancing.”
Well, those seem like minor details. It seems that the risks and challenges consist of the design and programming.. otherwise known as making the fucking game. Thanks, we know.
“This is my first time creating a game, and only a year experience in Maya, the graphics may not be good, but I can try”
Hi guys, I’ve never cooked food before, but I did cut my last birthday cake all by myself, so you could say that I have some culinary-adjacent experience, I think if you could just buy me a kitchen, I can make you a meal, it might taste like shit, but I can try.
Try harder next time, Brian.
The project failed on August 2nd with an embarrassing $0 in pledges. And what did our friend Brian learn from this experience? Maybe that he should stop begging for money on the internet and just start doing something with his fucking life like someone who isn’t a completely incompetent shitheel?
Based on Brian’s sequel Kickstarter, what he learned is that his goal was too high, and he put too many words on the page. Correcting both of these, he set the goal to a new arbitrary amount of $2,000 and called it “Taien”. Here’s the new headline:
“a giant field with bosses in each section”
No floors; it’s all just a giant fucking field. That’s all you get. So the whole what-the-fuck-is-a-floor-vs-an-area conundrum was just too much, so everything got simplified to being a “section”. And how many are there? Well, as many as there are bosses. How many is that?
“This game will have 20 unique bosses on an open field or a dungeon.”
Or section, or floor, or area, or whateverthefuck I call it now. Come on, guys, the game is still pre-alpha, I don’t have all of the lingo sorted out yet. Is a dungeon a section? And each section is a section of the giant field, right? So it’s a dungeon in a field? Man, I would love to get arrested in Brian’s game world. You just fucking frolic around a giant field with a bunch of evil bosses that want to kill the player.
“There will be 2 playable characters a male and a female, the male is a physical and the female is a magical attacker. You have to switch between the both of them to defeat the various enemies.”
In an effort to appease Anita Sarkeesian, Brian adds a feature to the game – you switch between two characters; a man and a woman working together as equals. Of course, he still made the male character the physical attacker because he’s a sexist asshole who think that women are physically inferior to men, but at least he’s trying to be inclusive in some small way even though it doesn’t count for shit because if I can interpret any detail of something as being sexist then it’s probably because the creator is a bigoted asshole wait am I even still talking about this shitty Kickstarter let’s move on.
“there will be various areas filled with monsters; mountains, forests, and a desert with the Coliseum are the few things you will see.”
I thought it was all in a giant field with different sections including maybe some dungeons? SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THIS GAME? We’re most of the way through Brian’s second Kickstarter page, and I still don’t even know what type of game this is, and every time he tries to elaborate on what the game world is, it makes even less fucking sense than the last time. I almost want him to get funded just to see the half-assed abomination of a pre-alpha game that would never get finished just to know what the fuck genre it is. Let’s take a look at what Brian thinks the risks and challenges are now:
“Learning how to program. I am taking a class to learning programming.”
That’s it. That’s the only risk. No big deal. The only challenge your game faces is you learning how to fucking make it in the first place. The good news here is that since Brian has offered to little information on what the fuck the game even is, he could technically deliver a game with 20 enemies of any kind in a giant field, toss in a mountain, some trees, and sand, and he’s delivered everything he promised. The bar is set so low, I think even Brian could pull it off.
So I guess the game didn’t change all that much since the last Kickstarter for $10,000, but it wasn’t described very well to begin with, so who the fuck knows. Whatever he did, it saved him $8,000. Alas, it was not enough to reach his goal.
And then, the whimper of a dying Kickstarter.
This second attempt did get a whole 1 backer – more than the zero last time, at least. Interestingly, mystery backer Brad has only ever pledged to 2 other projects, and both of those were video games that failed miserably as well. It seems like Brad is similar to me in that he finds really shitty video game Kickstarters, but is also the opposite of me; trying to make the creators of shitty video game Kickstarter projects feel better about themselves by pledging.
Wait a minute: he’s similar and yet my opposite.. he’s basically like my arch-enemy.
I’m coming for you, Brad.