Monthly Archives: January 2013

Red Queen of Fail: The Brian Wiegele Story

On March 13th, Double Fine Adventure ended its Kickstarter campaign with $3.3 million – out of their $400,000 ask. On March 30th, Brian Wiegele put up his first Kickstarter for $280,000.

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You may be thinking at this point, so what? Lots of Kickstarter projects were being put up at this time. It doesn’t mean that Mr. Wiggle was just jumping on a bandwagon. And to that, I would say, it’s pronounced why-gull, jerk.  But let me enlighten you a bit as to why I think you’re wrong about the second part. Continue reading

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Kill Fucking Confirmed: Spec Ops: The Line

Nineteen days into the year isn’t too late to make another New Year’s resolution, right? It doesn’t matter, because I did it anyway – I’m blogging about each game I finish this year. If this year is anything like last year, there won’t be many of these posts. But that’s the real resolution anyway: to finish things that I start. Mostly books and games. So far I’m one book down for the year, and as of last night, one game down. That game is Spec Ops: The Line. This attempt at a series is named after a line that is repeated many times after blowing someone’s head off in the game. I think it works well for saying that I beat a game.

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Press any key for guilt.

Oh, and this has some spoilers, but not the ending(s), which would be the only thing worth calling a spoiler, in my opinion. Continue reading

This Post Should Have Been Called Pathfailure Online

I want you to picture a world for me. In this world, a game development company goes to a publisher with a prototype for their game. That publisher gives the developers all the money they need to pay all of their employees during the development period. The game is eventually finished, and released as a great success, selling many copies. The developer goes to the publisher, and as a repayment for their funding, instead of sharing the profits, hands them 500 download codes for the limited edition of the game.

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You can stop imagining that world, because it’s the one we’re living in right now. And that publisher is you. You. The complete imbeciles who funded the second Pathfinder Online Kickstarter. You bunch of brainless shitstains threw your money at Goblinworks yet again, this time to the tune of over one million dollars. Normally, I’m angry at the creators for trying to take money for horrible projects. But when those creators flat out tell you that they don’t need your help, it’s your fault for being such a fucking moron when you give them money.

Apparently, not enough people see how unnecessary this Kickstarter project was, so allow me to explain. Continue reading

A Sloth’s Life In A Pool Of Molasses In January

“Hey guys, it’s Turtle.”

Turtle? Who? What? Am I supposed to know you or something? Are we friends? Are you famous? This is how you start a vlog, not a Kickstarter pitch.

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Do you think you could, uh,  maybe work on the contrast in your PowerPoint presentation there? What made you think that a PowerPoint presentation along with your slow, monotonous speech would keep anyone awake to give you money by the end of it?

Already, we’ve raised more questions than we’ve answered in this Kickstarter video for Turtle’s Life, described by the developer as “A 2D Nostalgia RPG about my struggle to become a video game developer”. Yup. He’s making a game about making games. Someone call Xzibit. But stranger than the first words spoken in this video is the first image, shown below. Continue reading

Anti-Flare.x Has All the Feels

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As far as I can tell from its Kickstarter pitch video, Anti-Flare.x is a game in which you and your metal leech friend traverse thin, blocky, floating platforms, dodge laser pointers, jump across moving floating platforms, do varial kickflips over previously mentioned thin, blocky, floating platforms, catch rides through translucent worms, and outmaneuver miniature, wheeled scythes.

Shit, I almost just made it sound like it deserved $88,000. But now, it’s time for the truth.

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It’s My Blog And I’ll GOTY If I Want To

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It’s that time of the year – the time for reflection. Every gaming site in the world is doing their top five or top ten games for the year. So why am I doing one? Well, because everyone else is stupid, of course!

Sure, I enjoyed Borderlands 2, but it embodied the term “iterative”. When I think of something that should be considered in a top five, it has to do something truly unique. I guess it should be no surprise that three out of these five are indie titles. Also, one of them came out last year, but I didn’t play it until this year, and that’s why it’s on my top five for this year. Fucking deal with it.

Continue reading