It’s all too often that some dumbass kid has a grandiose idea for a video game, and comes to Kickstarter acting like most of the hard work – coming up with the idea – is already done, and money will do the rest. I write these posts partly to present the reality of the situation, whether to the creator or anyone else even thinking of doing a similar project. And hey, they’re a bunch of naive kids, so they don’t know any better.
So when I see a fucking full grown ass adult coming to Kickstarter with even less preparation than any dumbass kid, I have to reflect on just how fucked humanity is with these people around. For anyone who thinks I’m too harsh on the little brats, I want you to look closely at this asshole, and realize that this is the kind of shit I’m trying to prevent in the future.
Enter LazyFerret Studio, a 35 year-old man who knows some programming languages, has a really vague idea of the game he wants to make, and only wants $50,000 to get some art into it.
“I’m looking to start an Indie game development company.”
The operative word here is “start”. There is no studio. There are no games. Just a man with a dream. He doesn’t explicitly state that he’s never made a game at all before, but any Kickstarter creator would jump on the tiniest proof of credibility, and our friend here offers none.
“If I can raise enough to pay a modest amount to someone for doing a bit of graphic art for me and possibly even paying an assistant coder, I could focus my time on achieving my dream of becoming a game developer.”
So $50,000 is the going rate for “modest” indie graphics? Without which, you simply wouldn’t be a game developer? And of course the very first thing you want to do is make your dream game. Never mind every programmer in the world telling you to start small, now with all this Kickstarter money, you can start as big as you like!
And is it really just me, or does no wannabe developer in the fucking world understand that GAMES HAVE SOUND, TOO, ASSHOLES? This fucker is talking about hiring a second coder before dealing with the fact that his game will be entirely silent. Normally, I’d almost be offended, but I’m guessing the omission here isn’t for lack of respect for sound design or music, but rather the depth of this man’s utter incompetence when it comes to game development.
“My first game will be be a mix of RTS, RPG and city/world building sandbox.”
I really want you to keep in mind that this is a 35 year old man. Just sit and absorb that fact each time you read one of his quotes. Each sentence looks like it was written by a 14 year old who just discovered GameMaker. This game is going to have all of the features. Game developers for decades have failed to make *the* game you’ve always wanted to play? They must just not have your brilliant ideas!
That’s what you have to believe. To propose a project like this, you have to believe that either no one has ever had your idea (and if that idea is just a mix of genres, then fuck you), or worse, you have to believe that it has been attempted, but never accomplished. And yet, somehow, with enough money, you will do what no one else could. What a phenomenally childish view.
“It will not be a beautifully rendered game. The graphics will either be tile-based or similar to the old 8-bit nintendo games, possibly closer to Super Nintendo if I’m funded well enough to pay an artist a bit more.”
I’m glad that you have realistic expectations for your artist, but if that’s the best you can hope for, you better not fucking pay someone $50,000 for it. And again, with more money, the art will magically become better? How many thousands of dollars does Super Nintendo-quality art require, exactly?
“I believe that is enough for now, and I will include regular updates as well as videos of my progress and ideas if interest is shown in the project.”
That’s it. That’s all you get. Pledge your hard earned dollars, and maybe he’ll elaborate a bit. I mean, you know what genres the game will be, and you know what era the graphics will emulate. What other information could you possibly need? How about a video explaining it all over again?
“At the moment, I have a lot of ideas that are floating around in my head, I’ve been planning it for a couple years now.”
A couple of years? You must haone ve a pretty lot of stuff planned. A giant design doc, right? Maybe even a tech demo?
“I need to put it down on paper, and get a kinda organized thing going on.”
We’re only 15 seconds into the video, and it’s already over for this project. You don’t even have your ideas written down, much less well planned. Maybe you should have had “a kinda organized thing going on” before asking for $50,000. Have I mentioned that this man is 35 years old? I hope you already had that thought upon reading the last quote, because I’m only going to remind you ten more times.
“And then I’ll come back and go over some of my planned features for the game that I’m going to be designing.”
That you’re going to be designing. Couldn’t have just spent a day writing some bullshit down so you had something to say for yourself?
Our lazy furry friend then goes on to describe how he plays so many games that have a good feature or two, and how he wishes that he could just take the good features from various games and put them together. And there you have it: this is a Frankenstein game. It’s all of the good bits of every game, and none of the bullshit. Weird how no one ever thought of that before, right?
“I don’t know if I’m gonna do real time or turn-based yet, I’m still working that out, it’s gonna depend on how all the different features blend together, and what will work best.”
So aside from the three genres you want it to be, what do you actually know about this game that you’re allegedly going to make?
“You’re going to take over as the governor of a small town in a fantasy world…”
Oh, I don’t get to take over one in real life, you mean?
Naturally, by “governor”, he means god. You control everything and everyone. You hire heroes to.. do heroic things. They bring back loot for you, and you use that loot to send your heroes on more quests, and kill everyone in the surrounding towns.
“I’m going to get my thoughts down and get some specific features written down so I’m organized when I’m reading it… So, I’ll get back to you in a day or two…”
Yes, this is the official video for this project. He really couldn’t wait a day or two to write some shit down. This project needed to be up IMMEDIATELY so that the world can marvel at it before he blows everyone’s minds with the actual features in the game.
Sure enough, three days later, LazyFuck rambles on for nearly nine minutes about features and money.
“The first thing I’m going to talk about today is customization. A lot of people like customization in their games.”
I’d wager that’s about as thought through as it gets. People like this? Well then I guess I’ll do it. This asshole hasn’t made a game, much less one with customizable anything, which makes it more complicated by an order of magnitude. But there’s something extra hilarious about this.
“…there will be different races that have set styles of buildings…”
So this is an RTS with NES-style graphics.. and you’re going to have different styles for your buildings? Honestly, have you even thought about this? How much detail do you really think you’re getting out of these graphics? They will be different-colored squares. That’s about it. “Hey, have you seen Red civilization’s buildings lately? There are a lot of red boxes around. Their god-mayor must be really great.”
So the entire video is just him rambling about these half-baked ideas that he hasn’t bothered to even try proving out. Then, of course, there’s the completely useless concept art update.
So just imagine this image, but as an RTS/RPG/sandbox with NES graphics. Can you even imagine it? Does it make even the smallest amount of sense? Is your money practically jumping out of your wallet yet? If it is, then not only are you too late, but you’re pretty much alone.
And then, the whimper of a dying Kickstarter.
Maybe this is why no one ever made this game before. Any time someone tried, they were denied the $50,000 it requires. And so it will continue to be merely a dream, the game that no one has still ever made. But is this the end of LazyFerret?
“So, it looks like we won’t be funded this time around, but I want to let everyone know that I will be continuing the effort. Keep an eye out for the project and I’ll be trying again when I have a bit more to show in the way of artwork and the basic game framework.”
Oh. You better believe my eye will be kept out. I can’t wait to see more than your single piece of coloring-book concept art.
And right now is when you scroll back up and go, “hey, that really does look like it’s from a coloring book”.