The Game That Got Backed Didn’t Get Backed

I’ve seen some hilarious and ironic names for Kickstarter projects, a recent favorite being the Don’t Fund Me Bro shirts – but none as sadly ironic as The Game That Got Backed.

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It couldn’t possibly be a better example of what not to do. Let me take you through the video.

HA, JUST KIDDING; THERE ISNT ONE.

A video would require effort. That’s not what TGTGB is about. This is about getting money and then a game will be magically formed out of everyone’s goodwill. We have to rely on text entirely here to see what this game is about.

“The game that got backed is a game that will be sculptured by the people who back it.”

SCULPTURED? I thought this was a video game, not the fucking statue of David. Awkward phrasing aside, this is what nearly all video game Kickstarters claim to some degree, but TGTGB is taking it to a whole new level.

“The Game That Got Backed is a pixel adventure game that will sculptured from the ground up with the help of backers.”

Okay, seriously, just stop saying sculptured. There are many other ways to say what you’re trying to say that don’t sound stupid. But what if the backers don’t want a pixel adventure game? So much for “from the ground up” already. They’ll make whatever game you want, as long as it’s the game they want to make. The sculpture they want to sculpture. See, that sounds dumb, because the common verb form for it is “sculpt”. There, you learned something today. No charge.

“Depending on how much you pledge, you will help create the game.”

Blah blah, money is power, this is the same old story. If you’re not rich, good luck ever getting a game developer to listen to you. This is why Kickstarter is not a revolutionary way to make games. The same rules apply: the person with the most money wins. Game jams are way more likely to yield interesting games than Kickstarter, because the goal is not directly monetary, allowing creators to make something new instead of shoveling out the same old garbage because it sounds good on paper. The only real difference between appealing to a publisher and appealing to a crowd of fans is that the fans are more likely to be gullible.

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“This is a truly community created game, so even we don’t know what the game will be like.”

In case your head wasn’t recently extracted from your ass, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A SELLING POINT.

But let’s be honest, this is the logical conclusion to crowdfunding. If average Joe gamer is so smart that he can choose character designs, levels, and mechanics, why don’t you just give these assholes control over every single aspect of the game – except whether it’s a pixel adventure, of course. It HAS to be a pixel adventure. Wouldn’t want these developers doing too much work.

“This project is an experiment to see what can be created when a vast amount of people come together.”

And with the power of friendship, overcome the odds of ever completing the development of a video game. You know that old saying, right? Too many cooks in the kitchen makes the most delicious soup?

“This game will represent the personalities of all those who helped create it.”

That’s what I’m afraid of; a game that has all the personality of an OUYA.

But that’s it. That is the entirety of the text on the page, and there’s no video. It’s a game, and it’s whatever pixel adventure you want it to be. Give us money.

But what risks and challenges might arise from such an open project?

“Anything could happen with this game, no one knows how it will turn out.”

Anything could happen, except it turning into a 3D shooter, sure. I don’t really think that was the question. Maybe provide some assurance that you’ve made a game before. You.. have made a game before, right?

While they don’t mention ever having created a game, it turns out they have created a Kickstarter project before: Everlasting Winter – Classic Pixel RPG. I’m already noticing a trend in your theoretical games.

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“This is our first game, and we are still learning new things about game design, music creation, art, and so on. This is a fantastic way for us to evolve our skills.”

And there it is. Their “first game” was a failed Kickstarter, having been cancelled only a month ago, so I’d wager it was never finished. This all means that these assholes have never created a game before, but think they can make whatever game anybody wants – so long as they have the cash, of course. It’s important to note also that their first project had a goal of $5,000 rather than the measly $1,000 for the game entirely decided by committee, which could turn out to be anything. So I guess the less you plan, the less money you need. Sounds about right.

And even though it’s not a video game, it’s worth mentioning that these same assholes created yet another Kickstarter, posted just 6 days after TGTGB for a zombie film. Because pixel art video games weren’t cliche enough. In their ever-lowering standards, this project had a goal of $400 – and got exactly 0 of those dollars in pledges by the time it failed on September 6th. That’s probably in part due to this:

“This is our first serious movie, and we are still learning many things.”

For fuck’s sake guys, just pick a god damn hobby, and stop trying to get paid to learn it. This project also doesn’t have a video. I guess they needed the $400 for a camera. Or for a webcam. Or for a camera app on their phones. Who knows. There are just so many ways to make a simple fucking video for your project, it’s inexcusable to not have one.

And of the 3 projects that Turnpage Games has created on Kickstarter, none of them have videos. The descriptions are a handful of sentences, and the only image is the main one that I’m pretty sure is required. What I’m saying is that these lazy fucks have done the smallest amount of work possible to try to get this money. They somehow managed to do less than LazyFerret – and that’s really saying something.

And then, the pitiful wail of three dying Kickstarters.

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I understand that the vast majority of anyone’s time spent in Australia consists of hiding from the terrifying wildlife, so it’s not easy to put a lot of effort into a crowdfunding campaign, but then it’s best to just not do one. After all, you admit that these are first attempts, and you’re just learning. And so I can’t even imagine your justification for these projects. I mean, do you honestly think that your very first game is going to be worth $2,000? Because even if by some miracle it is, you’re not going to convince anyone of that with this one shitty image that I had to edit 3 times just to add some variety. Download Unity for free and fucking do something with your lives already instead of begging for money on the internet to start learning it.

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4 thoughts on “The Game That Got Backed Didn’t Get Backed

  1. Witch Killer says:

    “The only real difference between appealing to a publisher and appealing to a crowd of fans is that the fans are more likely to be gullible.”

    This shit just got real

  2. ballistic squid says:

    I think its time to bring mamas into it.

  3. Simon Lewis says:

    It’s impressive that they could have funded 2 video games and 1 film for $7,400. They may not be experienced game designers or film makers, but clearly they understand the business side of things.

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