Claim the Fail

“Will you rise through the ranks with hard work and dedication or sabotage and subterfuge?”

Or will you just beg online for the money to buy the ranks?

68_00

If Jessie Miller is to be believed, it would take $45,000 to make Claim the Chair, a game to make Skyrim seem like.. a game that isn’t boring. What I’m trying to say is that this game looks really boring. To the point where I still don’t even know what genre it is. It does seem, however, that spreadsheets are the same both in space and in the future.

“The year is 2100 and mankind has just made first contact with an advanced alien race.”

I’m glad they waited for such a landmark year; it’ll make it easier to remember our anniversaries with the aliens.

“Claim the Chair is a Windows/Linux/MAC title in development using the Unity game engine.”

See what I mean? Is it a point-and-click title? An action-adventure title? Something with no hyphens at all? It’s just a “title” in development. And yes, you’re using Unity, and only planning to release the game on the platforms that Unity can export to for free. But please tell me how you need some of this money for “licensing”.

“Choose a career path in the Galactic Navy (Currently Medical, Engineering, Science, and Tactical).”

This is listed as a “feature”. Sounds like it’s not a strategy game, since you’re playing a single character. Could still be a point and click, but who knows. You’d think a screenshot would help narrow it down, right?

68_01

Guess again. What the fuck am I even looking at? The caption reads: “Door blown off its hinges in fight with space spiders. Looks like a new hiding place is in order.” So it’s a doorway with spider legs sticking out of it? The only parts of this I can make any sense of are the Resume button, the Music.. button? And what I’m guessing is a health meter. Other than UI elements, it’s just a really dark room with bright spider legs.

“Asking a medical officer with a “good” alignment to poison your superior may get you thrown in the brig.”

And then what? You get amnesia and Bethesda starts developing a game about you? Seriously, what does that do? You can’t just have a player sit in jail forever, so you’re only left with an arbitrary fine or something, and getting “thrown in the brig” is just a quick cutscene before you’re back in action with one hundred less space bucks, free to continue your evil plans.

“Personality traits will also determine AI behavior. For example, a crewman with the Hypochondriac trait may spend a great deal of time in the medical bay.”

Or maybe they just keep getting fucking poisoned because some asshole is letting all of the violent prisoners go with a slap on the wrist.

68_02

“Suspicion System: If the Chief Tactical Officer keeps getting killed by friendly fire by the same cadet, there will be an investigation.”

Pro Tip for Claim the Chair: only kill each person once.

“If your suspicion becomes too high you will find yourself relieved of duty for a time, confined to quarters, etc.”

You won’t be permanently relieved if you repeatedly kill your superior officer; it’s not like we don’t believe in rehabilitation. Being a serial killer just gets you grounded for a while. It’s apparently on par with getting a D on a math test. How dare you kill those people, you GO TO YOUR ROOM, CADET!

“Try lowering your suspicion level by being an upstanding citizen or putting that laser that killed the Chief Medical Officer in your coworkers bunk.”

Try being less of an asshole, OR double down and be the BIGGEST asshole.

And for what? No, seriously, think about it. You get through this game with either hard work or being a serial killer, and you get.. more responsibility. After all of that shit, you get to be the one sitting in the biggest chair on the ship, while everyone else kisses your ass or tries to shove poison up it, and your officers keep getting murdered by ambitious recruits. You don’t become the greatest hero; you become the greatest target, and everything that goes wrong is suddenly on you. And what’s so wrong with the current captain anyway? When you really think about it, it’s just a game about being short-sighted and selfish.

Speaking of…

68_03

“Funds raised via this Kickstarter are to hire artists, licensing, legal fees, marketing, and release costs.”

Look, I heard on Reddit that making games costs money, so I gotta buy some people, and get a lawyer and buy all of those licenses, so just give me $45,000 and I’ll get right on that.

What did I fucking say about asking for licensing? If you’re hiring external artists and using a free engine, what exactly are you licensing?

And what in god’s dank asshole are “release costs”? You just made that shit up. Well, you made all of it up. Marketing? If you were able to make $45,000 on Kickstarter in 2014, you’ve proven you don’t need money for marketing.

“Regardless of what challenges we face in production our developers are dedicated to releasing this game as quickly as possible.”

That’s not.. what? I think people are going to be more interested in the quality you want to bring to the game, not how quickly you can throw it out the door after the internet tosses $45k at you. You are really going to need a marketing expert after all.

“We want to play it more than anyone.”

Now THAT, I believe. There is no doubt in my mind that everyone else in world wants to play this game less than you guys do. It would certainly explain the complete and utter failure.

And then, the whimper of a dying Kickstarter.

68_fail

It seems that Jessie Miller was so devastated by this failure that he deleted his account. Fortunately, Kickstarter leaves all of the information up, including his bio, so that even if Jessie is gone, his failure is eternal. We may never know what award he won for his brilliant project management, but I think it’s safe to say that his days in the captain’s chair of this particular starship are over.

Godspeed, Jessie.

Advertisements
Tagged , ,

4 thoughts on “Claim the Fail

  1. witchkiller says:

    A point and click with classes? Grow up David.

  2. ballisticsquid says:

    It should have been a racing game where you start off as the guy that get gets the sandwiches for the pit crew but if you poison enough of the crew you get to be the driver then the games over.

  3. ballisticsquid says:

    I wish you would do one on Clang.

  4. […] I have trouble filling in 3 or 4 spots for pictures in these posts, because so many projects, like Claim the Chair, fall into the former category. Unknown Tomb falls squarely in the latter category, and thus […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: