WELL. YOU FUCKIN DID IT.
WELL. YOU FUCKIN DID IT.
A six-foot-ten man with tattoos covering his face kneels by his bedroom window, holding a sniper rifle resting on the window sill, pointed out into the street. I am walking down this very street, minding my own business, on my way to a friend’s house. The sniper takes his shot, piercing directly through my right calf. He wasn’t trying to kill me – not yet anyway. He just wanted me immobile. My soon-to-be murderer jumped out the second-story window, pulling a hunting knife from his boot on the way down. He landed with ease – this was not his first time. He sauntered over to my squirming body, grinning as if he lived for this moment. The knife came down quickly in the center of my back, and I lost all feeling in my legs. Again, slightly higher, this time, and just as excruciating. Over and over, the knife plunged into my back, and I could barely hear the piercing over his manic laughter. The carnage keeps going until I’m able to tear my eyes from the screen and remember that I’m still sitting in my living room on the family computer, perfectly safe.
Yes, I’m back*, so you can all stop begging. Before I begin, I just wanted to give a shoutout to the University of South Florida, who apparently linked one of my posts on their forums because it was about their professor. I’m a little sad I can’t see the thread. But it’s good to know that a post I wrote three years ago is still somehow relevant. Actually, it’s pretty sad to know that that particular one is still relevant, so let’s talk about some even bigger assholes.
There are two main types of Kickstarter projects – those with a bunch of ideas and no means to execute them, and those with a whole bunch of art and no ideas. You can generally tell the difference based on the ratio of text to pictures. Normally, I have trouble filling in 3 or 4 spots for pictures in these posts, because so many projects, like Claim the Chair, fall into the former category. Unknown Tomb falls squarely in the latter category, and thus provides me with the reverse challenge of not having a whole lot of text to work with. Hell, even in their video, no one says a god damn word – it’s entirely gameplay clips with angry music over it.
Fortunately, all of the text that’s there is pure gold.
“Will you rise through the ranks with hard work and dedication or sabotage and subterfuge?”
Or will you just beg online for the money to buy the ranks?
If Jessie Miller is to be believed, it would take $45,000 to make Claim the Chair, a game to make Skyrim seem like.. a game that isn’t boring. What I’m trying to say is that this game looks really boring. To the point where I still don’t even know what genre it is. It does seem, however, that spreadsheets are the same both in space and in the future.
According to TripAdvisor, there are 13 things to do in Lawton, OK. They include some museums, a casino, and a water park. But when the Historic Mattie Beal Home makes your town’s top 5 attractions, there probably isn’t much going on. So maybe you play a lot of video games. Maybe you start making them – even better.
But with all of that time you have on your hands from not going to the Mattie Beal Home, you’d think you could put together more content for a Kickstarter project.
Brian of Taien Tower by Brian doesn’t have that kind of time. But we’ll get to that later. For now, just enjoy the fact that Brian couldn’t even be bothered to make an image where the title text doesn’t get cut off.
Despite what some creators may think, I don’t enjoy writing about the same person twice – with the possible exception of You Know Who. It furthers the perception that I have some kind of vendetta against these people. I don’t sit here hoping that you guys do something I can rant about. I don’t follow your tweeters. I just notice you doing something stupid, and feel compelled to call you out on it.
And so it’s with no small amount of reluctance that I present you to Dust Scratch Games’ failure sequel Drew and the Floating Labyrinth. Take a ride with me through yet another pretentious art video.
It’s all too often that some dumbass kid has a grandiose idea for a video game, and comes to Kickstarter acting like most of the hard work – coming up with the idea – is already done, and money will do the rest. I write these posts partly to present the reality of the situation, whether to the creator or anyone else even thinking of doing a similar project. And hey, they’re a bunch of naive kids, so they don’t know any better.
So when I see a fucking full grown ass adult coming to Kickstarter with even less preparation than any dumbass kid, I have to reflect on just how fucked humanity is with these people around. For anyone who thinks I’m too harsh on the little brats, I want you to look closely at this asshole, and realize that this is the kind of shit I’m trying to prevent in the future.
Enter LazyFerret Studio, a 35 year-old man who knows some programming languages, has a really vague idea of the game he wants to make, and only wants $50,000 to get some art into it.
First of all, I’d like to thank the press boom following the announcement of the finale to the protracted failure that was Yogventures for getting this blog some extra views. And for the chuckle that it was being found under the search term “yogscast game fail”. That’s all I’ve ever wanted: for someone to Google a failure, and have it lead them here.