Today, I’d like to talk about Steam Works. No, not Steamworks; Steam Works, the shitty Kickstarter project with almost the same name, which is titled “Steam Works Video Game”, by a company called Steam Works.
…or not? I mean, it says “Steam Works Video Game by Steam Works” at the top, “Project by Steam Works Largo, FL” on the right, but the company is Red Gears Studios? The link below where it lists “Steam Works” as the company brings you to the Red Gears Studios site, even though they have a site for the game itself. I’m already lost, but that’s half the fun of these projects. I’m just going to assume that Red Gears Studios is making a game called Steam Works, and they littered the page with “Steam Works” instead of “Red Gears Studios” to try and get some accidental search results from PC gamers.
“Steam Works is a [RPG] Role Playing Game in development with Lionwolf Games.”
I guess not. Then what the hell does Red Gears Studios do? And who the fuck is Lionwolf Games?
OH. Well, I guess I can see why you wouldn’t really showcase these guys. So maybe they can’t make a great website, but I guess I shouldn’t judge them entirely by that. Who are these clowns anyway?
“Aru Richardson, Richard Gil, Joe Hetro, Jasmine Tate, Shiovahn Gustave, Kendrick Davis, Tim Paul, Shane Carter”
This list of names comes from the Lionwolf “Team” page. Or should I say the “Your Title Text” page? But why am I pasting that information here?
Because over half the fucking names are different from the “creators” listed on the Steam Works website.
“Joe Davison, Jeremy Lester, Megan Chapnick, Timothy Paul, Aru Richardson, Shane Carter, M. Josh Todd”
M Night Shymalan couldn’t put this many twists in a Kickstarter pitch. WHO THE FUCK IS DEVELOPING THIS GAME? I suppose it doesn’t really matter, so long as they have pretty concept art, AMIRITE?
Alternatively, if they could just tell me the definitions of terms that everyone in the fucking world is familiar with, I would really consider giving them money.
YET ANOTHER PLOT TWIST. They know the definitions of “science fiction” and “steampunk”, but insist that “alien technology” has yet to be defined. Sorry, guys, pretty sure that one came along with “science fiction”, and people know what it means.
OH GOD, THAT CAR PROPELLED ITSELF FROM THAT ROBOT’S HAND. I take it back, I have no definition for whatever alien technology is being used here. I’ve got some alien technology for you guys; it’s called Maya, and you should probably learn how to use it before telling everyone that you can make a game.
“Welcome to Steam Works, partner. You might want to take some cover – you’re gonna die!”
Wait, what good will taking cover do, exactly, if I’m going to die?
Then our breathless friend here immediately starts rambling about their intentions for the game. No introduction, no text in the video indicating who he is, nothing.
“If you’re familiar with Borderlands, Skyrim.. uh, you know, those sort of games, that’s what we’ve got here.”
So you have a game that is basically like both a post-apocalyptic first-person shooter and a high fantasy first-person boredom simulator? You might as well have said “if you’re familiar with pork chops, cupcakes, that sort of stuff..” YOU MEAN LIKE FOOD? Yeah, I know what games are, and I can list more than two of the best-selling titles from the past two years, so I clearly know more than you on the subject.
At 2:50 into the video, the guy who thinks that Skyrim and Borderlands are the only two games in the world points to a series of different areas of the studio that the camera never pans over to.
The rest of their page just writes itself. Of course they’re using the Unreal Engine. Of course they think they need $150,000 to make this game. Of course they give you absolutely no idea as to where that money is going.
And then, the whimper of a dying Kickstarter.
That’s right, I caught this one on time. It’s been too long since I counted down the seconds to such a spectacular failure. Thanks, Red Gears Studios. Or Lionwolf. Whoeverthefuck.
Oh shit, I almost forgot. Guys, this is Mark.
In case you’re wondering, no, he’s not on either list of alleged developers for this game. He’s just Mark.