Hey, remember when I used to write this blog? Yeah, me too.
I’ve been trying, guys. I started so many posts, saved so many links, and ranted out loud to myself about so many things, but the posts would just never work out somehow. But now with my ranting tubes all backed up with things that I just have to get out there, we’re in for another fail extravaganza!
FAILURE TO LAUNCH
As reported by the ever-upbeat Indie Statik, Fist of Awesome developer Nicoll Hunt finished his game a couple of weeks ago, following a hugely successful Kickstarter back in December of last year (yes, it was a measly £11,808 in Kickstarter money, but that was out of his £5,000 goal). But Nicoll was left with a dilemma that I’m surprised hasn’t surfaced hundreds of times already: his game is on iOS. What does that mean? Well, unless his backers want to jailbreak their iPhones, it means that they have to acquire the game through the App Store. BUT, the Apple doesn’t support the 913 freebies that Nicoll promised his backers.
And why would they? Apple takes a cut of your sales, and here Nicoll is trying to give over 900 people a “free” copy of his game essentially because they paid him directly, instead of through Apple. I’m no fan of Apple, but that’s a big “fuck you” to the company whose hardware and service you’re using to develop and distribute your game. But Nicoll promised these copies, so what is he to do?
Well, obviously toss it up on the App Store for free, sending an email to his backers telling them to quickly grab it before it gets pulled in 48 hours, and is replaced by the $3.99 version.
WHAT COULD GO WRONG?
Happily, everything. Major mobile game sites, including Touch Arcade, reported on the find, leading to what I could only guess was hundreds of people who did not back Nicoll’s project downloading the game for free.
Nicoll, if you’re hard up for cash after such a disaster, I would pay to see your reaction when this whole idiotic plan went to shit. I’ll even settle for a reenactment.
But the worst part of all of this was Indie Statik’s reporting. Check out this quote:
“So, I don’t think anyone in particular is to blame here for Nicoll’s having his game downloaded for free by what I assume to be many, many people.”
This is like reporting on a man who held a gun to his own head, and saying that it’s no one’s fault that he’s dead. Nicoll (probably unintentionally) set out to fuck over Apple by selling his game outside of the App Store before it was even done, and trying to secretly give it away to reimburse those individuals. He had from December until October to try and figure something out, and that was the best he could come up with, releasing it for free for 48 hours. Even if this plan had worked, and only people who backed got the game, what if a few people didn’t check their email and missed that 48-hour window? There’s no way anyone with two brain cells to rub together could have imagined this plan going smoothly with 913 people to reimburse. I hope everyone who gave that imbecile money sees the error of their ways. NEXT.
FAILURE TO (A)MAZE
I really wanted this project to have its own post, but I just couldn’t do it. Nothing I could say about this project would do any justice to the genuine level of hilariously awful it is.
I’m not even going to make you watch the video, just look at this for about 5 minutes straight.
Okay, I take it back. Watch the video. At least the section 44 seconds in where he shows off his crayon concept art. I don’t know exactly how old Jason Lake is, but he’s old enough to have a child that can do better artwork than he has in his video.
And, well, you know that you have a shitty Kickstarter when people aren’t even sure whether or not it’s real.
I find myself asking that same question about this fan art post. Is it a joke about a serious project? Is it a serious post about a joke project? Who is being serious? What is real?
You know what’s not real? The engine they’re using.
Because how could this genius possibly be contained by Unity? Its rendering is just not up to the standard that DKS has for their visuals. But if they do make their February/March estimated release date, I will do the most thorough review ever on this game. MAKE IT HAPPEN, JASON.
At least he didn’t get paid before he even finished this pile of garbage.
FAILURE TO STORY
Oh boy, what to say about Zombii Outbreak? The project speaks for itself, really. No, it really does. Watch:
“You need to stop Professor Livers Dies”
See? I don’t need to say anything about that, right?
“The story is about evil a scientist named Professor Livers Dies who wants to rule the world by turning everyone into a zombie.”
Still not saying anything.
“The reason why Professor Livers Dies wants to rule the world is because he was bullied ever since he was a child.”
Nope. Still nothing.
“Professor Livers Dies created a device called “Turn Into A Zombie Ray” aka T.I.A.Z.R.”
Okay, I can’t take it anymore. Fuck it, I’m out.
Sorry, just one more:
Aaaaand roll that fail clip:
FAILURE TO WORDS
This is Field of Fire. It got one dollar – the day before it failed. Any questions?
If you do have any questions, direct them to the 12-year-old in the video. He is a serious game developer who sorely needs $35,000 to make a first person shooter. All inquiries about the state of the game can be directed at this sentence:
“some of the risks are not getting people to do what you need for the the you want to give.”
I’m guessing that the lack of funding will push Marcia’s release date past the November 2018 estimated in the Kickstarter. It may actually take him the rest of his life now, because you wouldn’t give him $35,000. How does that make you feel?
“and i will learn how to make textures and model the people.”
No, Marcia, we’re done with you. Stop. Your sentences hurt my brain parts. Go ahead and watch the first nine minutes of the video where this kid rambles on about his pipe dream game. But the last minute of the video – the random slideshow of building and road pictures – that’s required viewing.
“we appreciate your help. revive a custom thank you card”
Fucking hell, just end this already.