Undead Paradise (Refailed)

Look, I know you guys have been champing at the bit for an open world zombie game. It’s weird, you know? You’d think that someone would have thought to do one of those.

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Luckily for all of us, team StraightUpLazy (yes, that’s their real name) decided to have a go this untapped market with Undead Paradise.

But oddly enough, they decided to cancel their project after only 4 days. It may have had something to do with only getting £115 of their £250,000 goal. There was plenty of time to turn things around, but it seems they just ultimately decided that it wasn’t worth risking the insanely embarrassing failure, the likes of which have only been seen from Emersion Interactive. No, they decided to come down a little closer to earth.

That’s why they relaunched their Kickstarter at an earth-shatteringly low price of £14,000.

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I know what you’re thinking: these young Brits must be fucking geniuses to have figured out how to save £236,000 on their development costs. What did they do differently? The answer is more brilliant than you could even imagine.

Nothing.

The relaunched page is a complete reproduction of the original pitch. Down to the video which still mentions the £250,000 goal. And the entire video is just running around randomly in the open world they’ve created – not even going so far as to shoot the gun he’s hauling around throughout the entire ten and a half minutes of rambling. I’m also not sure I would trust these guys with a mere £14,000 considering their math skills.

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Okay, so Lucas can count for 2 modelers because he’s that good. Dennis and Jake are the other two. Paul is the graphics artist, Ishmail is a programmer, and Julio is two programmers and two “texture’s”. How many was that again? I lost count.

So he starts explaining away the requested £250,000 (even while only asking £14,000 this time around) with the Unity license (surprise, surprise), hardware for the team, and other licenses, like Photoshop and Word. “Well not really Word, but that’s just an example…” he explains. Oh, good. So you just want to buy a bunch of software. No plan, really. Just buy things until the game looks good. What could go wrong?

“And you still might be thinking “well, this still doesn’t add up to 250k”, so you might be wondering what the rest is going to be spent on.”

I mean, you might. You know, if you’re a person who has half a brain, and you put one tenth of that half toward what you’re doing with your money. But worry not, because the team is going to spend the rest on advertising.

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I SHIT YOU NOT. If these guys got their £250,000, they would have bought hardware and software until they ran out of ideas, and then spent the rest on advertising the game that they already advertised enough to get £250,000 for. The lack of planning and critical thought just melts the brain. If the video doesn’t sell you on the idea that these guys don’t know or care where your money goes, then the fact that they can go from asking for £250,000 to £14,000 in the matter of a week should make it pretty fucking obvious that this is a random number. Just like everyone else I’ve written about, StraightUpLazy is just trying to take what they can get from you. They don’t “need” it to get the project done. They need to not be stupid assholes in order to get the project done. And money don’t buy smarts, sorry kids.

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God, I hope you’re fucking ashamed. Your original project that lasted all of 4 days got over double the funding that the restarted one did – even though you asked for such a stupidly enormous sum. AND WHY THE FUCK IS ALL OF YOUR TEXT INSIDE OF IMAGES?

And LOL at this brilliant ending image:

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Fuck you guys.

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6 thoughts on “Undead Paradise (Refailed)

  1. Seriously though – why isn’t there an open world licensed zombie game. Perhaps something set in Atlanta, and heavily licensed.. Perhaps some company that doesn’t need the money could even crowdfund the thing…

  2. I felt sure this one was headed for Indiegogo for a third attempt at money grabbing. Maybe they could have come away with twenty or thirty pounds with the flexible funding. But no, their name was just too prophetic.

    If you go to their website, it just says “Byeeeeeeee” with more “e”s than I care to reproduce, then “We are no more, the team closed which means the game will no longer be developed. On the bright side some team members may join to make other stuff. You will never know who they are though ;)” Sounds like a threat to me.

  3. avisch says:

    >texture’s

    Not even plural, fucking possessive?

  4. Witch Killer says:

    Keep handling it up, David, everyday! Can’t wait for the next post.

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