George Anderson Needs to Shape Up or Ship Out

At some point, maybe when you’re done reading the rest of this post, I want you to re-read the title as many times as it takes to get the brilliant double pun. I didn’t spend that time Googling idioms for nothing, god damnit.

We’re going to get a little nostalgic today, because I haven’t seen a project quite like this since my very first post on Project Zombie Big Game Shooter. This project defies all boundaries of reason. It melts minds. It is so outlandishly fucking retarded that it doesn’t even have a video.

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I give you: Ellipse!

Since there’s not even a video for me to go over, I guess I’ll just read all of this fucking text.

“Imagine with me;”

Alright, Mr. Rogers, I’m already uncomfortable. Imagine your own damn game, and then actually make it. I’ll play it when it comes out, but I’m not imagining your game for you.

“You, sitting at the command chair of a spaceship that you have custom configured.”

Imagine I made a really witty response to this description. See? It’s just not as effective as actually doing it.

“The fat cruiser floating through space in front of you is oblivious to you, as you drift in a low power state. To it you are just another piece of debris, drifting among the meteors in the silence of space.”

You’re just another piece of debris. Dick.

The rest is just a power fantasy of you whipping out your huge space penis and mushroom stamping another ship. I’m sure no other space game has ever let you lightly “pull on the control yoke” or fire a huge main cannon all over someone else’s face, or any other vaguely pornographic ship imagery (your ship is a she, of course, despite having that control yoke you like to pull).

The game will also have “first person skill”, “RPG character building”, and “sci-fi world immersion”. Yes, I’m just giving you the general bulletpoints without the detail, but that’s because the detail goes something like this:

“More than empty space. Areas should have some “interior” or large structures to make piloting your ship more interesting than just flying in circles shooting at targets that are also flying in circles.”

Just go ahead and imagine that with me. It’s so helpful to have these mental images, no? Don’t you want to give this game all your money? Do you have 1.8 MILLION DOLLARS? Because if you did, all of your money would completely fund this game!

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The ONLY image provided to prove George has done any work at all on this game.

“I asked for enough to be sure we can deliver on what we promise.”

No, you didn’t, you shit brained ass clown fuck wagon. You asked for a bunch of money so that you could pay people who might be able to do what you want them to do. There’s no fucking way in hell that even with $1.8 million, you could be sure that you will be able to deliver this game, BECAUSE MONEY DOESN’T FUCKING MAKE GAMES. People like you are the worst thing to happen to video games since Games for Windows Live. You can’t just toss money at a promise until it gets fulfilled. And even if you could, there would be no amount that would guarantee success.

From here, it’s all justification and bullshit boasting.

“I have programed in C++,php and Java. I understand programmers and their limits.”

I wrote a Hello World program in C++ in high school, but I didn’t apply to NASA immediately afterward.

“I have worked with Torque game engine, Shiva 3d, UDK and will use CryEngine 3 for this project due to its ability to adaptively tessellate models on the fly.”

And this is the extent of your game development knowledge. Between every game engine you’ve tried out there, what it came down to was which one could adaptively tessellate models. I hope you’re using it to really bring out the veins in my cannon when I look at it closely. Sure, I’m still talking about spaceships. If you want me to be.

“Yes this would be my first full video game.”

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“2. Might go over budget.”

What happened to asking for enough to be sure you can deliver?

“…when you really think about it there are games on kickstarter with 74000 backers. If this project had that many backers the average donation would only have to be 28 dollars to make the asking price.”

Well, gee, you make it sound so reasonable. So really all you need is for every single backer of Double Fine Adventure to give you $28? Man, I never thought of it that way.

Here’s the brilliant development plan:

“d. Build a Demo with the ability to pull upgrades from a web server.”

Wait for it… wait for it…

“f. Then we just start adding to it until release date or we hit the “maintenance” level of budget. (to keep the servers and expansion projects going). “

That’s all you have to do, guys. You just make a demo, and then keep adding to it! THIS GUY KNOWS GAME DEVELOPMENT. He’s worked with several different game engines, and studied tirelessly to find out which one can best tessellate models. All so you can play the best sci-fi spaceship game ever.

Or at least so you can imagine it. Because there’s no way it will ever happen.

And then, the whimper of a dying Kickstarter.

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And that’s what you get for being a waste of fucking existence, George. I hope you shed a tear for every one of the $1,798,353 that you failed to raise for this pipe dream of pipe dreams. You are the perfect example of the saying “a little knowledge is a dangerous thing”. You don’t know a god damned thing about game development, but because you dicked around in a few engines, you think $1.8 million is the only thing standing between you and the best sci-fi game ever made. But nobody wanted to fund you discovering that the CryEngine doesn’t make your games for you. Try doing some real work before becoming an e-beggar, and maybe someone will actually buy your bullshit.

Until then, DON’T COME ROUND HERE NO MORE.

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One thought on “George Anderson Needs to Shape Up or Ship Out

  1. avisch says:

    >Imagine I made a really witty response to this description. See? It’s just not as effective as actually doing it.

    But for you it works, because I didn’t have to pay 1.8 million dollars or anything really. And it still made me laugh cause it was witty…….Oh.

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