Archor Wright Is 2 Jawsome for Pizza Delivery

If there is anyone who simultaneously deserves and does not deserve to ever have a game Kickstarted, it’s Archor Wright.

38_00

On one hand, not one of his games has ever had a budget (I hope), and he clearly wouldn’t know what the fuck to do with any funds he ever would have. The only people who would benefit from that are the Nabisco Cookie elves. (I know what you’re thinking: no, moron, that’s Keebler. Well, Nabisco also has elves – you think full-size humans make those cookies?) On the other hand, all of his games are so shitty in the most hilarious ways imaginable that I almost want him to be monetarily rewarded for it. Almost.

This isn’t my first time hearing about Archor Wright and his games. I’m all-too-familiar with his work. But for the uninitiated, here’s a little history lesson.

Archor Wright is the posterchild for Xbox Live Indie Games. And by that I mean that he is like a factory of half-assed, wretched-looking, barely-functioning piles of interactive shit that he calls video games. Seriously, I can’t even fit screenshots for all of his games in this post because the whole god damn page would be screenshots. We’ll have to settle for the highlights.

Archor’s first game on XBLIG released on November 26th, 2008. It’s called A Kitchen Sink War, and yes, the abomination below is a screenshot from it.

38_01

From there, Archor set his sights higher once XNA allowed you to use Xbox avatars, resulting in AVATOUR – a game in which you move around a land of blocks with a Google Map satellite image pasted on as a texture. There is no gravity. There is no collision. THERE ARE NO LIMITS. You can change into a boat, car, or helicopter, none of which are animated in any way, and the helicopter isn’t even textured. It’s just a flat white, low-poly 3D model. When your character moves up or down, they appear to be running on an invisible wall. In AVATOUR, Spiderman don’t got shit on your Xbox avatar – you can walk up walls that don’t even exist. Just watch this video; it explains everything.

38_02

It only gets better from there. In JAWSOME, you play as a dead or possibly toy shark (it doesn’t swim per se; just kind of glides around) collecting yellow cylinders with the word “FOOD” on them. And you make a metallic clink sound when you collide with the untextured sunken ship – so hey, collision detection! In PerturBirds, you play as one of the birds from Birdemic: Shock and Terror on a quest to destroy everyone’s eardrums before sending their hot air balloons crashing to the ground. Or maybe they just vaporize. After a while, though, Archor got a little stale, and started to make sequels. First, with AVATOUR – VEGAS, which is the same game as its predecessor, but with the Google Maps image switched – presumably to Las Vegas, but who’s to say?

38_03

Later realizing his true masterpiece, Archor created 2 Jawsome, in which you play a boat that has to run over sharks and/or people to raise your.. shark score. It’s a brilliant re-imagining of the original Jawsome with the static mesh you’re controlling switched to a boat that handles almost exactly as the shark did. In truth, even NewsCopter is the exact same “game” as AVATOUR, only with the option to play as your Xbox avatar removed. Most recently, Archor released Wright Brothers’ Mysteries, and I shit you not, it features video clips taken from the game The Movies. He used a game to make the cutscenes for his game. I can’t even imagine how that’s legal, but at least it’s the best-looking thing ever released by Archor Games.

So why the hell am I telling you about all of this?

Archor Wright has a Kickstarter.

38_mugatte

Do I even need to say anything else? Go and give it all of your money right now! Oh, you need more, do you? Well listen to this.

The game is Real Life Pizza Driver. It features “interactive real life pizza delivery driver video footage”. Is that not a world you are dying to explore? I just had a pizza delivered to me the other day. I have no fucking idea how it got here. I’ve never been a pizza delivery person, and I can’t even imagine the plight of each pizza in its journey from the restaurant to the customer’s home. This is the opportunity of a lifetime, to see a real life pizza delivered to a real life house, and interact with the pizza.. or house..? Maybe the car? Okay, so I don’t know which part of the real life footage you’re interacting with, but does it really matter? It’s a pizza delivery simulator. That will sell like hotcakes. OR LIKE A HOTCAKE DELIVERY SIMULATOR. Go now and pledge!

38_fail

Awwwww, DAMNIT.

Well, at least 9 people believed in you, Archor. Even if half of them were family members – or people whom just so happen to share your last name and/or place of residence. The Kicktraq is amazing: 3 pledges of $500 or more scattered throughout – two right near the end, when it was obvious that the goal wasn’t going to be reached anyway. But seriously, Archor, what the fuck is with the $9,999 goal? You’re not trying to sell a used car, you’re setting a funding goal – it doesn’t help to take a dollar off of your price tag to make it look like it’s a smaller amount of money. But I think the most intriguing thing about Real Life Pizza Driver is that it’s also supposedly for the “iPAD”, which I believe is a version of the Apple device that you shout into rather than touch the screen to control.

38_04

Like many failed Kickstarters I’ve written about here, I have a feeling we’ll still be seeing Real Life Pizza Driver in all its glory. Perhaps it will even have more content than planned here, as Archor Wright will have to deliver more pizzas to fund its development. In the meantime, grab some Teddy Grahams and take a trip into the 90’s through his incredible website.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Archor Wright Is 2 Jawsome for Pizza Delivery

  1. “That will sell like hotcakes. OR LIKE A HOTCAKE DELIVERY SIMULATOR.”

    This article isn’t your best work, but that might be your best quote. I was just thinking yesterday that you hadn’t posted in a while. Glad to see you still fighting the good fight. You see Kickstarter’s latest blog post? I’d love to see you rail against it.

    • davidgaames says:

      I haven’t actually read the post, just a few responses to it. I just got done with a project at work that dominated most of my waking hours, so this was me pulling my head out of the sand. I will definitely have to check out the blog – I’m sure it’s bullshit!

    • You’re a jerk, you know that? All you do is be pessimistic and take all the negativity, not positivity, into a game and negatively criticize it. He has a family, with 2 children. He is just trying to make some money for his family, you know? At least his family and some fans believed in him. And trust me, it is HARD to be successful. Markiplier has over 10 million subscribers and he’s been uploading vids since 2012. I have been doing the same thing for almost 2 years, and guess what? I have 58. So go back to your dumbass la-la land and at least look on the bright side. I have known Archor’s son and his brother, Cade and Evan, for two years. We are best friends. Speaking of friends, I don’t even think you HAVE one. At least I didn’t have to be put through hell in your dumbass website. He isn’t Bill Gates, so he doesn’t have the proper equipment. “Wow! I didn’t even know that!” And he sure as hell doesn’t have a mansion. Paul McCartney has like, over 3 houses. You? Definitely 1. How much money do you make once a day? $15? $30? He has a family, I respect him. Your family must be disappointed in your pessimism. And Cade has autism, and Evan has a reading disorder. But what the hell do you care, am I right? You don’t even give a damn about his children, do you? No, you think that he is no-lived. That opinion DEFINITELY matches you. I think you were the school bully back when you were in middle school. “No, it’s called being honest.” Way to go, you are now a douchebag. I know that sometimes the truth hurts, but at least YOU think his game is garbage. I have his game on my Xbox, I do think it’s illogical, BUT, it is called TRYING. Yeah! And you post whatever the hell you think is garbage just to make you look cool. The truth is, YOUR WEBSITE’S GARBAGE. NO QUESTION.

      • davidgaames says:

        How dare you. I explicitly encouraged everyone to donate to this Kickstarter, and this is the thanks I get? Calling my website garbage? I’m just a guy trying to make my $30 a day so I can afford my 1 house, and I don’t even crowdfund this blog. You don’t know me. I have two left eyes and an asymmetrical vestibular cortex. Your comment has so much negativity. All you do is talk about the problems that people have. Why don’t you look at the bright side of this blog? Nikola Tesla invented alternating current electricity and never once to this day wrote a negative comment on this blog. I’ll bet you can barely change a light bulb, let alone invent one. You were probably the kid at school giving long-winded speeches to the bullies like me because you think you’re better than everyone else for being friends with people with reading disabilities. Well Donald Trump gives a lot of speeches and also thinks he is better than everyone else, so the real question is why do you hate immigrants so much? Would you still hate autistic immigrants? They have needs too. See, maybe you should take a good long hard look in the mirror before calling someone else’s life work “GARBAGE. NO QUESTION.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: