If there is anyone who simultaneously deserves and does not deserve to ever have a game Kickstarted, it’s Archor Wright.
On one hand, not one of his games has ever had a budget (I hope), and he clearly wouldn’t know what the fuck to do with any funds he ever would have. The only people who would benefit from that are the Nabisco Cookie elves. (I know what you’re thinking: no, moron, that’s Keebler. Well, Nabisco also has elves – you think full-size humans make those cookies?) On the other hand, all of his games are so shitty in the most hilarious ways imaginable that I almost want him to be monetarily rewarded for it. Almost.
This isn’t my first time hearing about Archor Wright and his games. I’m all-too-familiar with his work. But for the uninitiated, here’s a little history lesson.
Archor Wright is the posterchild for Xbox Live Indie Games. And by that I mean that he is like a factory of half-assed, wretched-looking, barely-functioning piles of interactive shit that he calls video games. Seriously, I can’t even fit screenshots for all of his games in this post because the whole god damn page would be screenshots. We’ll have to settle for the highlights.
Archor’s first game on XBLIG released on November 26th, 2008. It’s called A Kitchen Sink War, and yes, the abomination below is a screenshot from it.
From there, Archor set his sights higher once XNA allowed you to use Xbox avatars, resulting in AVATOUR – a game in which you move around a land of blocks with a Google Map satellite image pasted on as a texture. There is no gravity. There is no collision. THERE ARE NO LIMITS. You can change into a boat, car, or helicopter, none of which are animated in any way, and the helicopter isn’t even textured. It’s just a flat white, low-poly 3D model. When your character moves up or down, they appear to be running on an invisible wall. In AVATOUR, Spiderman don’t got shit on your Xbox avatar – you can walk up walls that don’t even exist. Just watch this video; it explains everything.
It only gets better from there. In JAWSOME, you play as a dead or possibly toy shark (it doesn’t swim per se; just kind of glides around) collecting yellow cylinders with the word “FOOD” on them. And you make a metallic clink sound when you collide with the untextured sunken ship – so hey, collision detection! In PerturBirds, you play as one of the birds from Birdemic: Shock and Terror on a quest to destroy everyone’s eardrums before sending their hot air balloons crashing to the ground. Or maybe they just vaporize. After a while, though, Archor got a little stale, and started to make sequels. First, with AVATOUR – VEGAS, which is the same game as its predecessor, but with the Google Maps image switched – presumably to Las Vegas, but who’s to say?
Later realizing his true masterpiece, Archor created 2 Jawsome, in which you play a boat that has to run over sharks and/or people to raise your.. shark score. It’s a brilliant re-imagining of the original Jawsome with the static mesh you’re controlling switched to a boat that handles almost exactly as the shark did. In truth, even NewsCopter is the exact same “game” as AVATOUR, only with the option to play as your Xbox avatar removed. Most recently, Archor released Wright Brothers’ Mysteries, and I shit you not, it features video clips taken from the game The Movies. He used a game to make the cutscenes for his game. I can’t even imagine how that’s legal, but at least it’s the best-looking thing ever released by Archor Games.
So why the hell am I telling you about all of this?
Archor Wright has a Kickstarter.
Do I even need to say anything else? Go and give it all of your money right now! Oh, you need more, do you? Well listen to this.
The game is Real Life Pizza Driver. It features “interactive real life pizza delivery driver video footage”. Is that not a world you are dying to explore? I just had a pizza delivered to me the other day. I have no fucking idea how it got here. I’ve never been a pizza delivery person, and I can’t even imagine the plight of each pizza in its journey from the restaurant to the customer’s home. This is the opportunity of a lifetime, to see a real life pizza delivered to a real life house, and interact with the pizza.. or house..? Maybe the car? Okay, so I don’t know which part of the real life footage you’re interacting with, but does it really matter? It’s a pizza delivery simulator. That will sell like hotcakes. OR LIKE A HOTCAKE DELIVERY SIMULATOR. Go now and pledge!
Well, at least 9 people believed in you, Archor. Even if half of them were family members – or people whom just so happen to share your last name and/or place of residence. The Kicktraq is amazing: 3 pledges of $500 or more scattered throughout – two right near the end, when it was obvious that the goal wasn’t going to be reached anyway. But seriously, Archor, what the fuck is with the $9,999 goal? You’re not trying to sell a used car, you’re setting a funding goal – it doesn’t help to take a dollar off of your price tag to make it look like it’s a smaller amount of money. But I think the most intriguing thing about Real Life Pizza Driver is that it’s also supposedly for the “iPAD”, which I believe is a version of the Apple device that you shout into rather than touch the screen to control.
Like many failed Kickstarters I’ve written about here, I have a feeling we’ll still be seeing Real Life Pizza Driver in all its glory. Perhaps it will even have more content than planned here, as Archor Wright will have to deliver more pizzas to fund its development. In the meantime, grab some Teddy Grahams and take a trip into the 90’s through his incredible website.