Craig Stern Is His Own Shill: Telepathic Tic-Tacs

Previously on Words with Craig Stern:

“Making people interested in a finished game requires that game to be interesting. Making people interested in a game that’s coming out soon requires some sweet talking to gamers. You’re obviously better at the latter. Put in for a job working on the community team for a game developer.”

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Pictured above: Craig Stern

So, Craig didn’t take my advice. I’m not surprised. It’s difficult to admit one’s own shortcomings. Or so I hear, from people who have them. But because this blog is all about self-aggrandizing, I will tell you what “did” happen: Craig saw my post about his failed Kickstarter, and thought he outwit me by posting his own blog about how “important” Kickstarter is. How touching, coming from someone who failed to raise $25,500 for his game, which is already nearly complete. But currently being in the backswing of the Kickstarter craze, this is a necessary opinion to promote for people who want to swindle you out of your money. That’s why it was posted to Gamasutra. Obviously, after my post on Telepath Tactics, I’m not the biggest Craig Stern fan, so this won’t be the usual objective look normally featured on this blog.

That was a joke.

So here’s the backstory: some dude named Michael Rose writes a post on Gamasutra about feeling scorned by the Kickstarter projects that he’s backed. Granted, most of the article was about The Banner Saga in particular, and he doesn’t have the best reason for feeling scorned by it. Big deal. But here’s Craiggy-bear (can I call you Craiggy-bear?) to the unnecessary rescue of Kickstarter projects!

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Pictured above: Craig Stern

“Now, far be it for me to tell someone that their feelings are illegitimate: emotions are emotions, and there’s no such thing as an illegitimate one. However, if we look at the factual basis Mike Rose offers to justify these feelings, it simply does not hold up under scrutiny.”

So his feelings are legitimate by technicality, but his reasoning behind his feelings is illegitimate? Craiggy-bear, this is the worst kind of beating around the bush. I just came out and said that you’re not very good at making interesting games, and that nobody cares about the ones that you’ve already completed, why do you have to be such a bitch about saying that someone is wrong about how they feel? Even I said that he doesn’t have the best reason for his feeling, and I appreciated the cynicism of his article. Here you are trying to be Captain Kickstarter, and you sound like a bitch.

“Mr. Rose complains about receiving too many updates from projects he’s backed. However, as he points out, you can easily turn email updates off.”

He complained about getting too many updates, for things not worthy of updating, and praised the kind of updates that he does want. Of course he wants updates of gameplay videos and alpha/beta/release downloads. But he doesn’t want all of the nonsense that creators throw in just for the sake of making an update. If you think the solution to that is to turn off updates completely, you’re a jackass.

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Pictured above: Craig Stern

“This leaves us with a single complaint: oversaturation. This, I will concede, is a legitimate issue”

And yet you created a Kickstarter yourself – and spoilers, you also just relaunched it. And here you are admitting that there’s an oversaturation of Kickstarter projects. This is like Activision releasing a statement that there are probably too many Call of Duty games – in their announcement of the new Call of Duty title. Sure, there are too many, but if you can make a buck off of it, then fuck it, why not contribute to the problem? And not by just making a Kickstarter, but by making it a second time after you failed once already. But I’ll get to that later.

More importantly, Craiggy-bear lists a bunch of games that “only exist because of Kickstarter”.

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I guess this dude’s name is Craig Stern, too

“FTL exists because of Kickstarter.”

Wrong. FTL was mostly finished by the time the Kickstarter was launched. Here’s what they quote the funding going toward:

“Business Costs
Paying Our Sound Designer
Polish & Improvement”

None of those mean that the game wouldn’t have come out. Try again.

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Another Craig Stern?

“Giana Sisters: Twisted Dreams exists because of Kickstarter.”

Interesting theory, except that it says right on their Kickstarter page:

“Worst case, if our project doesn’t reach the funding goal, you won’t have to pay your pledge and we’ll release Giana some other day, if we find a publisher with good conditions or save up enough money”

That’s a far cry from “we can’t release this without you”. The game again was already near completion. They just figured they could get a bunch of suckers to give them a ton of cash near the finish line. And, unfortunately, they were right.

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Mug shot of Craig Stern: I told you his Kickstarter was criminal.

“Chivalry exists because of Kickstarter.”

Really? Hm, let’s go ahead and check that one out:

“The Beta will begin the day after our  KS ends, if we are successfully funded! This means you can play Chivalry September 16th if you are pledged at the $50 or higher level!”

They can make an entire game in a day?! Craig, have you been right about anything in your life, ever?

So is this true about all games? Of course not. But the general trend is that the more that developers have to show for their game, the more likely people are to fund it. Unfortunately, that means that the more likely people are to back a project, the less that funding is actually needed. So what you end up with is a bunch of nearly-finished projects that don’t deserve or need their funding getting all of the money.

Kind of like yours.

Tune in next week (or wheneverthefuck) when I go over Craig's Kickstarter relaunch.
Spoilers: I hate it.
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17 thoughts on “Craig Stern Is His Own Shill: Telepathic Tic-Tacs

  1. Stop with the spoilers! I need the suspense.

  2. Ariella says:

    You’re an ass.

  3. Craig Stern says:

    This was a highly entertaining read. A+ for comedy. Not sure how you got all those highly accurate pictures of me, though?

    • davidgaames says:

      It was between a Google image search and editing the top image several times to make different facial features enlarged. But by the time the text was done, it was almost midnight, so the latter was just too much work.

  4. Ryan Sanderson says:

    I can’t even begin to start with how big of a cock-smoking thunder cunt you are. Craig is extremely talented and the success of his re-launch validates it. What is so great that you’ve done, exactly? What puts you in the position to adequately critique his work? Or are you just another asshat that has nothing to contribute to anything good in life, so you try (and fail miserably) to cut others down? Do us all a favor and just take the site down. Then, go make something better. Until then, kindly fuck off.

    • davidgaames says:

      I can’t believe you just said that. Thundercunt is totally one word. Rookie mistake.

      I’m pretty sure that getting people to give you money doesn’t make you talented. I mean, we all know who Fergie is.

      And I’m not criticizing Craiggy-bear’s work, just his alleged need for money to continue that work. That and his incessant need to try and pretend like Kickstarter is more necessary to the hopes and dreams of game developers than it really is.

      Nevermind, you’re right. I’ll take this site down. I was only trying to make you proud of me. I guess I failed.

  5. anonymous says:

    Please write something about this

  6. All this drama over a game that looks like it should be played on a GameBoy. The Kickstarter video game section has really proven for me that not everyone should be able to fulfill their dreams.

    • davidgaames says:

      I wish I could vote up comments.

      The important message I try to stress is that the thing holding people back from fulfilling their dreams is just the will to make them happen, not a stack of cash. That’s true of game development, at least.

      • Hey, speaking of people with dreams worth crushing, there’s this:

        A hybrid RTS/1st Person shooter zombie game, however you manage to mash those up. It’ll be built on Unity and distributed on an open-source flash platform. He’s got ugly art, a collectible card game and a collectible miniatures game based on the game before there’s a game. Oh, right, that’s because there’s 31 backer levels, all the way up to $10000, and not one of them offers the game as a reward. He’s asking for a million bucks. A MILLION!

        Seriously, this is probably the most painful Kickstarter I’ve seen in a while. Maybe ever.

      • davidgaames says:

        Holy shit. At first, I was convinced it had to be a joke, but after watching the video, I’m not sure. I may need to do some more investigation on this, but it’s definitely looking like something worth tearing apart. Thanks for the heads up!

  7. […] also told you about how pathetically he defended indie devs asking for buckets of cash to finish their games. I even had a couple of Craig Stern fanboys tell me what a thunder cunt [sic] I am because of it. So […]

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