Dragonfly Chess Sends My Brain into the Seven Realms of No Return

Hello, DavidGaames here, and I’ve set up an interview with the video for the Dragonfly Chess Kickstarter. Because I’m interviewing a pre-recorded video, it won’t actually be responding to my questions, but based on the video itself, talking with creator Paul Lorence wouldn’t be much different. So let’s get right into it. What is this project you’re working on?

30_00

“Thousands of years ago, there was an ancient game played by the gods, called Dragonfly Chess.”

It was an ancient game thousands of years ago? Or is it now an ancient game by virtue of it having been around thousands of years ago?

“The pieces were human, and the board was Earth.”

Uhhhh, so is this game a metaphor for life?

“The gods shook the Earth. At that very hour, the supercontinent split into seven, leaving the seven great realms disconnected, cursed, and unbalanced. Millions became trapped in these realms, which became known to the ancients as the Seven Realms of No Return.”

I’m guessing those people are us, and the seven realms are the seven continents, right?

“For thousands of years, no one has known the whereabouts of these realms or seen those who are lost in them.”

I guess not?

“But all that changed with the advent of the internet, whose digital signals began reconnecting the realms in cyberspace.”

Seven ancient realms of the Earth unlocked by the internet? I think I’ve heard enough of the story. Let’s talk about the Kickstarter campaign. You’re asking for $20,000. Where exactly is that money going?

“Join millions as they battle their way to free the Earth from the clutches of evil. Fight through realms many have never seen, and no one has ever returned from.”

Do you have a team lined up to make this game?

30_01

“While most chess sites have you play with restrictions, in Dragonfly Chess, you’ll play with power.”

So this is all browser-based? Will it cost money to have an account once released?

“There are 605 million chess players in the world waiting for this game’s release.”

You’ll be glad to know that I’ve done the math for you, and based on your number, you’ll only need to get 0.003 pennies from each person waiting on this game to successfully fund your project. Sounds like you have this one in the bag, as they say.

“Play the game that will consume the entire chess world and decide the fate of the Earth.”

Well that was very.. enlightening, thank you. Let’s move on to the rest of the Kickstarter page.

“Dragonfly Chess & The Seven Realms of No Return is an online chess and chinese chess site…”

By virtue of being a website, isn’t it already online? Why mention that it’s both online and a Chinese chess site?

30_02

“…that will bring the two communities together…”

Sorry, what two communities? The online community and the Chinese community? Are you suggesting that Chinese people don’t have internet? If that’s the case, how will they get to your site?

“The game will feature cutting edge design unseen in any chess site on the web today”

The cutting-edge design of chess? Few things could be less cutting-edge.

“Most of the sites work but are badly designed have advertising all over the place and lack any kind of visual appeal. They all have the same free play coupled with a bunch of restrictions. No so with Dragonfly Chess which will have a health meter visual depiction of your wins draws and loses.”

Okay, so no restrictions on Dragonfly Chess.

“If you loose 5 games in a row you are considered dead in the realms and can pay to continue.”

You literally just said in the last sentence that this wouldn’t have the restrictions imposed by other games. Now if you’re not great at chess, then fuck you, give me money?

30_03

“Players will fight through realms and earn the keys to the ancient game which will allow them to play the variants of chess not found on any other site.All this will take time, money and talent to pull off.”

Wow, we are suddenly all about the money, eh? After getting $20,000 just to make the damn site, you want people to pay for losing the game, and yet still pay if they are really good and have the time and talent to win.

“One of the big risks in taking on this project is under funding it.”

You want to make a website to play chess for $20,000 – I really don’t think one of your problems would be a lack of funding.

“I have explained the game to a few developers and understand the project can done with the amount I am looking for. However should more come in the execution of the concept will greatly increase.”

That’s called feature creep, and it’s a sign of either poor design or lack of self-control. It’s also a reason that so many video game Kickstarters are such bad ideas: every piece of the design that you have yet to implement is a problem waiting to happen.  You haven’t the faintest idea how much work a project will be if all you’ve done is write up a design document. And with $20,000 and a year for development, you better fucking be able to get it done. Not that it’s an issue anymore.

30_fail

Fortunately, you won’t be receiving that $20,000 to mysteriously funnel into your chess site. With the half-assed nature of this Kickstarter and its inevitable, colossal failure, I’m guessing that we won’t see another attempt at crowdfunding, but who knows? A post on their Facebook page a month ago said:

“Dragonfly Chess is working hard at becoming a reality by going for crowdfunding on kickstarter.com.”

No, Paul, posting a video and a paragraph about your stupid game and waiting for people to give you money isn’t working hard. I shudder to think what you would have done with that $20,000. You had one person – presumably your mother or some other close relative – pledge to your project on the second day, and all you could even get out of them was $15. That wouldn’t even cover the hosting for the hollow shell of a website you already made, which, by the way, is the saddest website in all of existence. All it does is link to your complete failure of a Kickstarter and your Facebook page with 12 likes and hardly any posts. There’s also a link to the homepage, which is unnecessary given that it’s the only page on the entire site.

Why don’t you try doing something else with your life, Paul; making video game sites is clearly not for you. Try something new.

Except for voice acting. Please never do that. Ever.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Dragonfly Chess Sends My Brain into the Seven Realms of No Return

  1. At least this project was only incompetent and deluded. Dishonest and manipulative is usually much worse. I enjoyed the post regardless.

  2. “By virtue of being a website, isn’t it already online? Why mention that it’s both online and a Chinese chess site?”

    I believe that by “online chess and Chinese chess site”, he meant that it was an online site for both chess and “Chinese Chess” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xiangqi), as seen in the first screen grab you posted.

    Otherwise yeah, this is one really shitty project.

  3. Paul Lorence says:

    I too enjoyed your review and am so glad you have gone out of your way to put that project in its place and that of its creator. Well done. You should really commend yourself for taking time out of your own precious life to put down that of another’s and pool together the masses who feel the same distaste for those creatives who pursue their dreams. The truth is you don’t see things as they are…you see things as you are…a pathetic unhappy piece of shit. – Paul Lorence

    • I can’t speak for David, but for the record, I don’t feel distaste for “those creatives who pursue their dreams”. That said, you ran a crappy Kickstarter for a chess website, so calling yourself “creative” might be pushing it a tad.

      Responding to a bad review of your crappy Kickstarter a full year and a half after it was posted is a nice touch, though. Glad to see you’re doing more with your life than us misanthropes. How’s that dream coming?

    • davidgaames says:

      I second Brian’s sentiments. I don’t spend near enough time on this blog – as most of its followers will tell you – but I’d be willing to bet I put more work into it than you put into your Kickstarter campaign. And I don’t even ask for money to write it.

      And that’s the crux of this whole thing. Had you been able to see past your own ego, you’d know that I don’t put down people for being creative; I put them down for being incompetent and asking for money to make up for that incompetence. In your case, you want to make an online chess site. But you can’t make one. You don’t know how. So what do you do? Learn some web development, maybe? Start “following your dream” like someone who gives a shit, and try?

      Of course not! You “design” the game/site, and ask for $20,000 to hire someone else to make it. Not all dreams are created equal, Paul, and yours don’t even deserve to be followed if this is how you go about it. I would be the first person in line to congratulate you, were you to actually to follow your dream and accomplish something. But you can be damn sure that I’ll also be first in line to call you out for trying to have other people follow your dream for you.
      -David Gaames

      • Alexander Jey says:

        Yo guys are complete assholes to this guy its a great idea and you guys want to bitch and moan over this project what if u posted a kickstarter and somebody bashed on you motherfucker. Get a life and move on dont hate on other people to make yourself better your just starting something. Go fuck yourself

      • Alexander, I totally believe you are a real person, and not just Paul (or a friend of Paul) coming to his defense in spite of all the very good reasons why that’s just dumb. You are, however, commenting on an article that’s a year-and-a-half old, which the Kickstarter project owner decided to comment on a few days ago. And which you are following up on. So, congratulations on spending your time wisely.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: