I bitch a lot about people trying to squeeze a salary out of backers to make their games. And while I’ll continue to do that, I actually think that Matt and Tammy McDonald are onto something more ridiculous: trying to squeeze $400,000 out of the Kickstarter community to make a tool to make games using a tool to make games.
That’s right, Xzibit is all up in this Kickstarter. The McDonalds want to make a game creation tool with Unity.. which happens to be a game creation tool. But they’re out to make it more accessible and fun to make a game! Just check out the video.
“Have you ever dreamed of making your own game?”
If so, you’re in luck, because Unity is a free game engine, and you can download it and actually learn something about game development.
“Don’t know how to program? Not a problem.”
Yeah, because that always works out so well. To take all of the programming out of game creation is to limit it so greatly that all you can do is make generic garbage. Make a third person RPG with a shitty camera and the worst animations to ever grace your PC. Matt and Tammy are basically just dumbing down Unity and filling it with a bunch of shitty prefabs. Gee, I wonder what stopped them from their goal of $400,000.
It also bears mentioning that the audio quality in this video is about on par with Birdemic. It’s just difficult to listen to. I really want to know what you have to say for yourselves, Matt and Tammy, but your voices are like tiny cheese graters against my eardrums. It sounds like you recorded this video by putting a microphone against your headset in an Xbox Live party. It’s 2013 and there’s no excuse for that anymore.
“You haven’t spent years honing your game development skills. No problem at all.”
You may notice I didn’t put a question mark in that one. That’s because she didn’t make it sound like a question. It’s assumed that you don’t know dick about game development, and this Kickstarter pitch is based on the idea that you don’t know enough to know that Axis won’t make all of your game design dreams come true.
Also, Matt’s studio is called Heavy Water. I don’t have a joke about that, because I don’t need one. It’s called Heavy. Fucking. Water. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!
So where is the money going?
“We need to raise $400,000 to fund the development team that will be completing the tools, assets, features and networking platform required to support the Axis Game Factory.”
Well, that certainly clears it up. As we know, this translates to “the more you stuff my pockets, the more features you’ll get”. Matt and Tammy aren’t trying to raise money to get their project off the ground because they can’t afford the materials or work that are needed for this – they just want you to cover a few thousand Lunchables so that they can work in peace, without having to worry about living expenses. Poor kids.
The math is simple: I take the Axis Game Factory, I crack your fuckin head open, I absorb your power, and I can do whatever I want.
“At Heavy Water, we’ve worked on every type of game and genre imaginable; having delivered on over 100 titles.”
You bet your ass I had to look into this one. Take a look at their impressive list of titles. Most of them are PS3 garbage downloads. Oh boy, you made a Medal of Honor PS3 theme and Star Ocean Playstation Home items? Actually, Star Ocean items sound kind of awesome. BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT. Some of these are even listed as udpates to virtual items. So I guess they didn’t make the original content, they just updated it. And these are the “titles” that they have “delivered on”.
Cut the shit, Matt. You did some reasonably notable work, and a whole bunch of garbage. I mean, all of the cinematics for the Pimp My Ride game? It’s no wonder how you got the idea to make a game engine in a game engine.
But the people have spoken about your little pipe dream project.
Much like in The Matrix, you provided a world that was just too perfect, and everyone woke up from it. Well, not everyone. You got 263 dipshits to believe you were worth something, even if 15 of them only thought you were worth a dollar.
But let’s talk about that dollar reward for a second. Look at the estimated delivery on the reward: October 2013. GEE, DON’T RUSH OUT THOSE THANK YOU EMAILS, MATT.
That reward sums up your whole project. It’s the core of a nice idea taken to such an extreme that it makes you look like an idiot.
Time to take that blue pill, Matt, and wake the fuck up.
God damnit, now I want to watch The Matrix.