A little while back, I followed another video game Kickstarter that I was going to watch fail. But its failure ended up happening right between Leviathan’s success and Silber’s failure, and those were more interesting. Were. Since then, however, shit got real.
First, the project showed up again the very next day. Apparently, Kevin Bailey decided that raising only $2,116 of his $12,500 goal meant that he should simply toss the project up again with a goal of $7,000. This was good news for me, however, since it made for more fodder for my hatred, and gave me a second chance to post about its failure right at the moment of death. It’s the kind of bullshit I always rant about: if he really needed that $12,500 to begin with, how was able to make the game for $5,500 less all of a sudden? He doesn’t need the money, he just wants to grab whatever cash he can as soon as he can, and “supporting game development” is a great excuse. So I waited impatiently for its deadline, so I could bask in Kevin’s second failure in a row. But then, one day, the project disappeared from my “Following” list.
In my self-aggrandizing fantasy, Kevin was terrified of me writing this post on his embarrassing double-failure, and immediately cancelled the project. He tried to deny me the pleasure of tearing apart his pathetic attempt at conning people out of their money. But Kevin fucked up. He underestimated my wrath, thinking that if he only moved his project to Indiegogo, I would never find it, having focused my attention solely on Kickstarter. Well, Kevin, you’re mine now, bitch! Take it like the whore you are.
Firstly, it’s all too obvious that the reason for the switch to Indiegogo is that Kevin doesn’t need to reach his project goal to get whatever money some morons on the internet thought he actually deserved. But secondly, speaking of goals, take a look at the current goal on Indiegogo. Now look at the second Kickstarter project. Then look at the first. It seems that game development gets cheaper and cheaper every day! Kevin might as well just hold out another few months until it only takes a single dollar to fund his game. That might actually be an attainable goal for him.
But you know the truth, right? Kevin doesn’t need a cent of this money to finish his game. What he needs is to stop wasting his time making bullshit crowdfunding projects and finish his god damn game already. Think about all of the time it would take to create these 3 projects, make videos for them, advertise them, and update them. He could have easily finished his obscenely simple iOS game in that time.
“Well, maybe not,” you might say, “I know a thing or two about game development, and it’s not easy, and takes a long time.” Well, first of all, GET OUT OF MY HEAD. And then, take a look at the platforms that Kevin has promised for this game: OUYA, iOS, Android, PC, Mac, and Linux. How versatile of him! And it just happens to be all of the supported non-console platforms for Unity 4. And the OUYA isn’t even out yet – not even the SDK has been released – so there’s no fucking way he could know that he’ll be able to make anything on it, except for the fact that Unity is a launch partner of OUYA.
So he’s making the game on a free engine that automatically takes care of all platform-specific development, and adding support for iOS and Android (it’s worth noting that OUYA is Android-based) at $400 a piece, and somehow needs several thousand dollars? What are the funds for exactly? Well, according to the Kickstarter page:
“We have chosen to utilize indiegogo to assist us in raising the additional funds needed to fully design and develop Skipping Turtles for OUYA, iOS, and Android.”
Oh, sorry, that was the Indiegogo page. According to the Kickstarter page:
“We have chosen to utilize Kickstarter to assist us in raising the additional funds needed to fully design and develop Skipping Turtles for OUYA, iOS, and Android.”
If Kevin puts the same care into his games that he does for his crowdfunding projects, Skipping Turtles is going to be the biggest pile of shit ever. Not only could he not come up with a good excuse for taking money over the course of 3 projects, but the entire thing is copy/pasted. I can almost hear Kevin saying “Fuck it, whatever, just give me some money” while looking over these pages. But this might be my favourite:
“We also have some exciting stretch goals if we reach our initial goal before campaign ends.”
So wait, not only did you make up some bullshit reason to get more money (how does getting extra money translate to more game features exactly?), but you won’t even tell anyone about them until you’ve reached your initial goal? That makes no god-damned sense. If you already have these plans, why are they secret? You’re supposed to incentivize people to give you more money with all of your promises for extra levels or more options, or whatever game features you plan to magically convert from money.
Oh, right: you don’t have any plans. You can’t even appropriately describe where the money for your initial goal is going in the first place, so why would you have laid out any stretch goal plans? You’re a real piece of
shit work, Kevin. You had to resort to Indiegogo because you knew your project would never even reach a modest $4,500 goal after two utter failures on Kickstarter. So now you’re just scraping the bottom of the crowdfunding barrel, and walking home with whatever you can get, funding goals be damned. You are a disgrace to game development.
I don’t even feel like writing about your shitty project anymore. I’m going to go shoot some people in Borderlands 2, and pretend they’re you.