Failstarter: AppEater Wants All the Lunchables

And now for something (not so) completely different: a Kickstarter that has not yet failed. It has only just begun. As suggested by a fellow blogger, I have chosen a brand new Kickstarter project, and I’m going to predict how badly it will fail, and tell you why I think that.

Now, I have been sticking with only posting a blog after the project in question has failed for a very good reason: I don’t want to give any exposure to projects that may still get funded. The worry does seem a little silly; this blog is certainly not popular enough to get such traffic to an unworthy project. But with my luck, this blog will blow up right when I post about a Kickstarter in progress. Okay, I don’t actually think that will happen. I guess we’ll find out, though, because that’s exactly what I’m doing now. But just in case, as a quick disclaimer: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT PLEDGE TO THIS PIECE OF SHIT.

I’ve seen my share of shameful Kickstarter exploitations, but Peek2’s AppEater project may very well be the worst. It is the most unoriginal game, put on the most bloated budget, from a man I wouldn’t trust to tie my shoes. Here’s the summary:

“Defend your Apps against attacks from the evil AppEater. A fun and strategic game where going Thermonuclear is totally an option.”

So it turns your desktop (home screen) into a game where you shoot monsters trying to eat your app icons. Right off the bat, this is pretty uninspired. Taking a screenshot of your desktop and using it for a game is the least original idea since Modern Warfare 3. And it certainly isn’t an idea that will cost $350,000 to realize. Unless they are preemptively including the legal fees they will inevitably incur by making an iPhone game with what is obviously an Android mascot as the villain.

The premise of the game is so insanely simple, but pages upon pages of text and images are used explaining every detail. It’s so boring, I have no desire to talk about it. Where things really get interesting is the stretch goals.

For a meager $350,000, the iPhone game will be released. BUT, toss in another $100,000, and you’ll get the Android version (I hope Steve Jobs is the villain for that version.. too soon?). For ANOTHER $100,000, he’ll make the iPad version. Those iOS-to-iOS porting machines are extra costly these days. BUT WAIT, for YET ANOTHER FUCKING $100,000, you’ll get to see AppEater for “Windows Mobile and the desktop”. “And the desktop”? You mean, like, PC? Oh, and did I mention that “unique actions and quality of the Armies and the gaming will increase drastically” if $650,000 is reached? Peek2’s magic game-making machine doesn’t have the most efficient money-to-quality conversion. But that’s fine as long as the money is coming from you.

I can’t even talk about this abomination anymore right now. I can’t believe I have to wait 27 days for it to fail. But speaking of which, let’s get to that prediction.

At time of writing, Kicktraq has it trending toward $1,033. They’re very careful to point out that it’s not a projection.. but that’s kind of what it is. In any case, I’m going to go a little higher. This could easily get a few grand. I’ll aim high and give it about $5,000. I would say that there’s no way it’ll get much more than that, but crazier things have happened. I at least feel confident that I can rest easy tonight in the knowledge that this won’t come anywhere near reaching its goal. $350,000 is a lot to ask for any game, let alone one so mind-numbingly simple and unoriginal. Let’s hope that’s obvious to the rest of the world.

I’ll see you in hell, AppEater.


11 thoughts on “Failstarter: AppEater Wants All the Lunchables

  1. I love it when people listen my suggestions. I also love how you seem to find every single terrible Kickstarter in existence. Seriously – how do you find these things. I’m surprised they didn’t talk about trying to add a hardcore mode where your eaten apps are gone for good from the phone.

    I wouldn’t pay $.99 for this, why would anyone pay more? What do you think is a more reasonable budget for this monstrosity?

  2. In case you hadn’t gone back to it since you wrote this post, you were SO VERY WRONG about AppEater’s final backer total. The final tally was 4 backers and $300. No missing zeroes there. Three hundred dollars.

  3. umm.. that should be were.

  4. […] some people, the above two projects knew their audience: people who played their games over 20 years ago, and […]

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