Someone Play the Tiniest Violin for Alchimia Studios

I want you to think about all of the failed video game Kickstarters. Think about Better Bug Games and their depressing lack of lunchables. They were just trying to keep a developer fed while he made shitty Flash games. And you denied him that. Dozens, maybe even hundreds, of indie devs denied the funds to work on their games full time.

But wait a minute. Has BBG’s coder died? Have all of these startups just given up on their dreams because no one would give them money before they even finished their first game? Pinstripe Games has flat out stated that they’re continuing to “work” on their game, despite a horrible failure of a Kickstarter. Something tells me BBG found a way to sustain the life of their programmer. It would appear that failing to acquire the requested funds made little to no difference to these companies. This obviously begs the question.. what is the funding for?

Pose that question to Alchimia Studios, and you’ll actually get an interesting response.

According to Alchimia, it will take $50,000 to fully realize Echoes of Aeons. This funding is apparently for many things, not the least of which being their music, weighing in at over 60 “fully-composed songs” – a few of which recorded with a live orchestra. Let’s set aside the fact that a little indie startup doesn’t need a live orchestra for their first title. No, more importantly, Echoes of Aeons is a fucking iPad game. You may not understand the significance of that, so allow me to explain.

There are two standard situations that a mobile game is going to be played in, audio-wise. One is with earbud headphones, most likely in a public place. The second is using the device’s speakers, most likely in the bathroom – a notoriously bad acoustic environment. In neither of these situations will it make one bit of fucking difference whether or not your music was played by a live orchestra. If you want to release a soundtrack later, if people actually like your game, then fine, go all out. But for the game itself, it’s a complete waste. You’re doing it to stroke  your ego, amongst other things.

But don’t worry, Alchimia has more ideas on how to spend your money.They claim that they are now at a point where they need funding to hire more people to work on it. But why? With half of the art, half of the soundtrack, and “pre-alpha” (everyone loves that term now) gameplay, why can’t they just continue as they are? Well, because why would they, when they can just take your $50,000 and make everything easier on themselves? They also want cameras, to “improve [their] animation techniques”. With half of the art done, it’s a little late for that, kids. They even throw in the generic and nonsensical excuse of  “all the additional costs and fees associated with producing a top-tier RPG”. You’re probably just a gamer, and don’t know that this is bullshit, right? Alchimia hopes so.

And I just can’t end this post without talking about how the title on Alchimia’s website states “We make the best RPG’s!” Alchimia, you haven’t made shit. And with your obviously outlandish scope for this debut project, you won’t be making shit for quite some time.

And then, the whimper of a dying Kickstarter.

There will be no orchestra playing your tunes, Alchimia. If this project ever does see the light of day, it will not live up to your rosy-eyed dream of the most epic iPad adventure ever. But that will be because of your lack of experience, not dollars. This Kickstarter didn’t fail nearly as hard as you failed at understanding how game development works.

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